I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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