why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
