I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
