Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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