Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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