He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
