i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
