just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I came so hard my ears popped.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
