a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
