I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is Oprah even human
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
