i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
