this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
