my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Someone shattered a urinal.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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