he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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