Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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