Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
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Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
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I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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