life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
