I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
it glows. i had to have it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
