I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
