i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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