we have officially lost it.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
