I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
