Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
