her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
