it's like iHOP with fire
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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