Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
