Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
