there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize