I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
