He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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