i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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