Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
