I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
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You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
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You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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