Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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