Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think my moral compass just broke
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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