You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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