i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
