so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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