Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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