good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
