I just saw a hot homeless man
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
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I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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