Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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