Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
