I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
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There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Still dying that you shit outside
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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