i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
