I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
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we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize