Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Pooping to opera.
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