dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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