and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
