There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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