I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
