My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
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I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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