A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
