too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
