I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
