I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
When are your genitals available?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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