he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my shit smells like andre
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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