Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
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You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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