Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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