i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
