fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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