THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
