ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
