I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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