i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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