I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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