you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
